My Apology

Emi, 

Know that I love you. Know that I have loved you since before you were born. That all of your siblings were waiting in anticipation for your arrival. Even now to this day I love you more than just as a sibling. You are the light of my life. My angel.

When I was still in college I took a bowling class many years ago. One night I went to a shop (that is now closed) nearby after the class let out and spotted this giraffe stuffed animal. Don't ask me how I just knew but I did. I bought it for my mother just having this feeling inside of me like something exciting was about to happen. She picked me up from class and had the biggest smile on her face. (I don't know if you remember her smiles but- they were amazing Emi. They were what makes her so loveable). I smiled right back at her and she told me:

Guess what!?

You're pregnant. 

And with that I gave her the giraffe while she just looked at me in shock. She told me she had just gotten a test at the hospital that day. There was no way I could have known. But I did. I was satisfied with that stuffed animal. I proudly told my mom that I did for you what she did for me. 

Before I was born- when I was still in our mom's belly my mom was walking around in a department store and spotted a puppet dog stuffed animal. She bought it for me. I have it to this day and have called him Spot since I was four. I like to remind him that he is older than me. I'm 24 right now Emi. I know I must seem silly to you.

I was happy I got you your first gift. I would talk to you while you were still in her belly. I wish I could write everything about our mom to you tonight. I don't want to forget- I'm so scared the years that are about to pass will slowly rob our memories of her. That is why I am writing it down.

Today you are six years old.

Today I almost forgot your birthday because I was so depressed about everything that was going on. 

But most importantly:

Today I called you and you demanded that I sing to you. I did and I broke down doing it. I also got you a game for your 3DS. It was a Mario and Luigi game. Erika bought it since I am in Washington.

Please know that I want to be with you more than anything. I would give everything I had and more if I could watch you grow up. Please believe me when I tell you that I love so damn much.