New Leaf

I haven't written in awhile Emi. Forgive me for that. It's been pretty hectic. 

Let's see- what can I tell you?
Erika and Jesse are job hunting. (I wonder- will you still know who Jesse is in the future?)
I am still in the Military. 
Lupe is- 

Ah well... I don't really know what to tell you as far as Lupe is concerned. I made this for you to understand. I don't want you knowing about all the strife and grief in our family. We can't hide it forever though.

I remember being young and discovering things about our family. But- who am I to tell you their so well hidden faults? No- no it is not my place. 

Erika and I talked about mom. We talk about her like she's still here on  Earth. I told you they were best friends right?

I miss her so much Emily. I feel so lost without her. I don't know how you can bear growing up without her. 

She loves salads. Loves seafood. She loves HGTV and crime shows. She loves old black and white movies and has the most amazing singing voice. She has dyed her hair so many times I forget what her real hair color is. 

Mama told me when she was a baby her hair color was blonde and she had blue eyes. When we knew her they had already turned hazel. 

She loves gardens. She loves you. 

Yes- you were her miracle. Tell me Emi- do you remember all the games you played? Do you remember all that time you spent with her?

God- this post is so pathetic. I want to freeze time where I am still with her. 

My heart hurts so much Emily. 

From There to Here

Emi,

By now you know your sister Erika has left. Today is the day she left actually. It had all been planned for a long time. I don't know what kind of lies they will tell you about us. But I hope you're smart like mom and find out the truth on your own instead of listening to everyone else. 

I won't tell you why she left, I'll let her do that herself. But know I offered her a place to stay. I don't know if she will be happy here with me- all I know was that she wasn't happy there alone. 

I think about you often. I wonder what silly things you get into. At this age you love super heroes and cute pink things. You are a ball of social contradictions. You enjoy gore but adore Disney. I wonder if it was us (Us being your older siblings including Lupe) that made you that way. We would watch shows like 'The Walking Dead'. You would watch Lupe play Call of Duty and knew you were suppose to shoot bad guys in the head. But at the same time you had dreams of getting married to a little boy you met in kindergarten. I don't remember his name. I just remember mom told me you said he was your boyfriend. 

According to mom you would twirl in circles for him and make up stories and games. He would save you a seat or even a spot in line. You guys were suppose to get married and your dress and ring will be pink. I thought it was cute. At Costco one day you would point out a pink ring and told mom to buy it for you so that you could be married. Mom scoffed and said, "No way! Tell him to buy it for you!" You just sighed and said okay. 

Speaking of mom. I'll tell you more about her. As her kids we knew her best. I don't care what your aunts tell you or your dad. We spent every single day with her. Your dad's sisters would never visit us growing up or even call us. They barely knew us at all. Mom liked it that way. She didn't want us to end up like them. She wanted us to be free independent thinkers. She wanted us to be brave explorers and conquerors.

And I like to think she really did make us that way- Ah! But I'm rambling. I said I would talk about mom. I'll save the social dynamics and injustices of our family for another day.

Mom loves bright happy colors like red and yellow.

Her favorite animals are the giraffe and the butterfly. 

She hates sharing her drink with ANYONE. If you take one sip of it she won't want it anymore.

She loves to laugh.

She doesn't like long hugs or lots of touchy feely. She said it was because her mom didn't hug her a lot growing up. Erika is the same way actually. I was the only odd ball who craved hugs and kisses. I always wanted a hug to last 30 seconds and mom and Erika would wriggle away from me after ten seconds. 

She loved God more than anything ever. She was a God fearing woman who would always go to church and serve the Lord. She was a true Christian woman after God's own heart.

She likes Animal Crossing.

Erika was her best friend.

I'll stop here because I am getting sad again. It's only been a little over a month Emi. I used to talk to her like every day- now I have no one to talk to and it makes me depressed. 

My Apology

Emi, 

Know that I love you. Know that I have loved you since before you were born. That all of your siblings were waiting in anticipation for your arrival. Even now to this day I love you more than just as a sibling. You are the light of my life. My angel.

When I was still in college I took a bowling class many years ago. One night I went to a shop (that is now closed) nearby after the class let out and spotted this giraffe stuffed animal. Don't ask me how I just knew but I did. I bought it for my mother just having this feeling inside of me like something exciting was about to happen. She picked me up from class and had the biggest smile on her face. (I don't know if you remember her smiles but- they were amazing Emi. They were what makes her so loveable). I smiled right back at her and she told me:

Guess what!?

You're pregnant. 

And with that I gave her the giraffe while she just looked at me in shock. She told me she had just gotten a test at the hospital that day. There was no way I could have known. But I did. I was satisfied with that stuffed animal. I proudly told my mom that I did for you what she did for me. 

Before I was born- when I was still in our mom's belly my mom was walking around in a department store and spotted a puppet dog stuffed animal. She bought it for me. I have it to this day and have called him Spot since I was four. I like to remind him that he is older than me. I'm 24 right now Emi. I know I must seem silly to you.

I was happy I got you your first gift. I would talk to you while you were still in her belly. I wish I could write everything about our mom to you tonight. I don't want to forget- I'm so scared the years that are about to pass will slowly rob our memories of her. That is why I am writing it down.

Today you are six years old.

Today I almost forgot your birthday because I was so depressed about everything that was going on. 

But most importantly:

Today I called you and you demanded that I sing to you. I did and I broke down doing it. I also got you a game for your 3DS. It was a Mario and Luigi game. Erika bought it since I am in Washington.

Please know that I want to be with you more than anything. I would give everything I had and more if I could watch you grow up. Please believe me when I tell you that I love so damn much.